[school bell rings]
So we had to write about the day that changed our life.
I wrote about the day I met you in the girls' bathroom.
- I still think about it. - I wrote about today,
the day I kicked you hard in the gonads.
What did you really write about?
The day I started reading Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex,
It was the dawn of my feminist awakening.
And I wrote about a trip to the county fair.
Oh, God, it sucks.
Be honest, when you read it, was there suckage?
No. Not at all.
I'm sure Ms. Sommers will love your paper.
- [laughing] - Hayden proposed!
The one she's going to hate is mine.
She's so far from being a feminist. It's like she just won The Bachelor,
What? My sister watches it.
It's so sparkly because I brush it with toothpaste.
[school bell rings]
OK, guys, we need to talk. I'm mad at you.
I read your papers last night
and they were amazing!
You really opened up and let me in.
Felix, I could taste the salt water from that first wave you rode.
Sangit, my cheeks burned
with the humiliation of that spelling bee defeat.
Lucy, I could smell the tarts baking
in your bubby's kitchen right before it burned down.
I wonder if she could feel Bubby's second-degree burns
- on the way to the ER. - [Ms. Sommers] Kat?
If I'm not interrupting anything too important,
would you like to pass the papers out?
See? No suckage.
Ms. Sommers, there's a problem.
- What is it, Kat? - Everyone got an A.
That's what I thought everyone deserved. Besides, how can I grade your memories?
Well, some memories are more well written than others.
[laughing]
Kat, you are so funny!
[class laughing]
I wasn't kidding.
It's two carats. I just wanna hug it! [grunts]
So I was thinking you need a new purse, Dawn.
How long have you had that one, four years?
Two months.
Well, after two months, I give mine to the homeless.
And you should see how happy it makes them.
I know! After school, let's go shopping.
We can get you a new purse and then we can get pedis.
It's sandal season! And then we can get sandals!
I can't.
Wear sandals because of this big gnarly bunion.
That just ruined my appetite.
Hi.
Can I get a diet soda, a chicken breast and an ice cream sandwich?
No, wait, forget the chicken. Thanks.
- Four dollars. - Can you cover me, Bianca?
I only have a 50 and a couple hundies.
Do you have some extra money?
"l only have a 50 and a couple hundies."
I sold my brother's LEGO Death Star on eBay, and this is all I have left.
It's so expensive being a teenager. Why can't Brad and Angie adopt us?
At least I've got a shot. I'm Asian.
[theme music plays]
So let me recap. You thought you deserved an A.
You got an A and your GPA will stay a 4:0.
- That is horrible. - But it is.
If everyone gets an A,
that's only good for the people who don't deserve them.
- Ms. Sommers doesn't get that. - Ms. Sommers?
I didn't realize we were talking about Ms. Sommers.
Is she still dating Mr. Hargrove, the health teacher?
If his name is Hayden, he just proposed.
Uh-huh.
So he is the marrying type.
No, I get it.
[laughs]
She's like the younger version of me.
If I was an insipid little manipulator from the South.
I just think this is kind of a serious issue.
What's the impetus to excel without incentive?
Mm-hm. I am glad that you've brought this to my attention, Kat.
The problem with women like Ms. Sommers
is they are so hell-bent on getting a man,
they look upon teaching not as a sacred vocation,
but as a way station to poach other people's boyfriends
and marry them and start popping out babies like Tic Tacs.
That's why they should be drummed out of the school system.
I don't want to get anybody drummed out.
I just want everyone to get the grade they deserve.
Whose side are you on?
I mean, grade inflation could damage the reputation of Padua High.
So after raising a little hell with the administration,
I will no longer be graded alongside that moron
who turned in a one-page essay written in highlighter.
Look at you fighting inflation. Maybe you are a capitalist after all.
Speaking of inflation, can I get an advance on my allowance?
Stop being a capitalist. I'm not an ATM.
You can't push my buttons and get cash.
Why I was thinking I should have a credit card.
Then I don't need cash. Great idea, right?
Yeah. Why didn't you think of that?
I listened to you blabber about your grade. My turn.
No, it's my turn. What do you need money for?
Chastity is finally asking me to hang out with her.
- This is huge! - She never mentioned Chastity.
Think of it as a business expense.
Like when you play golf with the head of the hospital.
Only our version of golf
is shopping, personal grooming, insanely-expensive yogurt.
But the social confidence I gain in high school
will benefit me for the rest of my life.
The scary thing is I think you actually believe that.
This is America, honey.
If you want extra money, you'll have to get a job.
Or be injured on the job.
I'm 1 5. I don't drive. I have no work experience.
I can't baby-sit. Everybody in this neighborhood has a nanny.
Tell your friends you can't afford these things.
You don't get California at all.
And then my dad said I should invite Chastity over
to play board games after school. Shoot me now.
I'm having Daddy deja vu. This is too depressing to talk about.
- Did you watch The Hills last night? - Yes. Boring.
All they do is gossip about cute guys and girls who are being bitches.
Just like us, only they get paid for it.
We're a gazillion times more interesting than Audrina.
Let's start a web show.
- Ooh! Can we get rich doing that? - We'll start small.
We can make enough for frozen yogurt.
And let's not forget, The Hills all started with Laguna Beach,
Cameron, are you free after school?
Oh. I was supposed to go visit my grandfather at the nursing home.
- But I can easily cancel. - Are you sure?
Yeah, he doesn't recognize me anyway.
Um, I need your help purchasing a domain name
and setting up an online payment system.
- What are you selling? - Myself.
Dawn and I are starting this web show.
It's going to be an intimate look at our private lives.
Oh, gosh. Who wouldn't wanna watch that?
Of course I'll help.
Thanks, Cameron. I'll call you later.
Sometimes, they take a while to drop.
The soda or your testicles?
I'm gentle. And a man.
A gentleman. Used to be a good thing.
Dude, you're too gentle.
You're like that little bear that sells fabric softener.
Wait. So how do I change that?
Do I look like Dr. Phil?
Look, I know you're scary and tough and all,
but I really need advice from someone other than my friend Michael.
There's a reason the only girl he's kissed is his cousin Ruth.
All right, listen. Girls are pack animals.
You've gotta be the alpha dog. Show her you've got fangs.
I should...
...bite her.
Dude, seriously?
You've gotta show her that you can protect her.
OK, protect her. Yeah.
Maybe I can do that this afternoon while I'm setting up her online commerce.
Yeah. You could protect her from all that unwanted spam.
I can be her anti-virus software.
OK, guys. Since one of your fellow classmates complained...
...I've re-graded your papers on the curve as directed by the principal
and a spurned, bitter woman.
For some of you, these grades are gonna be upsetting.
But just know, I'm grading your papers
and not the light that's inside you.
I still got an A!
Is that my paper?
Is it an A-minus? My footnotes may have been overkill.
Mandella.
A B-minus?
[school bell rings]
[Dawn] Who do you think is hotter, Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Reynolds?
Jakey. Ryan's too chiseled. You could cut yourself on his abs.
[beeping]
Oh, my God! That's our first viewer.
- Five dollars! - [both] Cha-ching!
Ooh! Maybe we shouldn't talk about money on the air. Let's keep going.
Dawn, I wanted to know which sandals you like better.
Oh, those, totally.
Yeah. Me, too.
- But those are cute, too. - I like their buckle.
Me, too.
This is fun.
Two guys watching two girls
talk about shoes.
Oh, man, look how she chews her pencil.
No, this is wrong. I'm supposed to be protecting her.
Dawn, will you scratch my back? I think I have a bug bite.
A little to the left.
Now, it's getting good.
Yeah, go under the shirt.
Scratch it good.
No. Up. Up.
I can't watch any more of this.
[sighs] That's it.
Charlie? Yo, you gotta check out this website.
Uh, BiancaAndDawn.org.
[groans] Why did I help her set this up?
Gosh, I hate being a gentleman.
You're so much better at this than my friend Ashley.
She used to tickle my back at summer camp.
Here, let me try both hands.
[beeping]
OK, maybe we should dive back into our geometry homework?
[beeping]
Or you could scratch my back some more.
[beeping]
Ms. Sommers, I'm so sorry to bother you, but...
Wow! You look really pretty today.
Maybe it's that pre-nuptial glow.
Thank you, Kat. I feel pretty today.
I'm sorry I got all worked up about that grade situation.
But I take this seriously because I really want to get into a top college.
My dream is to one day wear a class ring from Brown.
Have you ever wanted a ring so badly it made you a little insane?
I have, Kat. You'll get there.
It may take an ultimatum, but do not give up.
Which is why I wanna circle back to this B-minus.
You didn't think I was pretty at all, did you?
Of course I did. Of course I did. And gracious. And open-minded.
I gave you the grade you deserved.
I know you gave As to people who wrote about surfing and spelling
and the stupid county fair.
I write about the day that, as a female,
I discovered that society valued me less and you give me a B-minus?
That's grade retaliation and you know it!
Astronauts on the lnternational Space Station can see you're a feminist.
I wanted to learn something I didn't know.
Your essay was predictable, preachy and, quite frankly, shallow.
If you'll forgive me, I'm late for a cake tasting.
I'm shallow?
[Bianca] OK, according to our web-tracking,
we went from one to five viewers with back scratching.
We then spiked to 22 hits with the pillow fight.
And then we topped it all out after we bounced on the bed
tossing beach balls for a grand total of...
Drum roll, please.
...a hundred and ten dollars.
We also got a nice cardio workout. Win-win.
Hey, girls. Nice beach balls.
They are our fan base? Yuck.
You wanna know what makes it less yucky?
The cash.
[Chastity] Hey, girls.
So the mall. Saturday. There's a purse sale at Needless Mark-ups
where the Pradas are reduced to only $250!
But don't let the other girls know because I want them to get jelly, OK?
- We won't say a word. - Can't wait.
- We're gonna need a lot more viewers. - How do we top beach balls?
Charlie, you and your friends and friends' friends
should tune in to BiancaAndDawn.org tonight for some Katy Perry action.
I'll start popping my popcorn.
[Kat] Sign my petition to stop grade retaliation.
Teachers should not be able to wield grades like weapons.
All right.
Mandella! People at this school have no integrity. Will you sign this?
It would be nice to have a real person other than Mr. Balzac
- and Mr. I. P. Freely. - I can't sign it.
- I don't support your cause. - Why not?
- I heard what you said to Ms. Sommers. - I thought my grade was unfair.
And you pooped on my paper to prove your point?
Mandella, no offense, you wrote about going to the county fair.
Hey, it hurts when someone tells you you're too fat to ride the Ferris wheel.
- Someone told you that? - Oh, my God. You didn't even read it.
- Mandella, I'm so sorry. - Yeah?
Well, everything isn't always about you, Kat.
- Hey, Dad. - Hi, Dr. Stratford.
Hey, girls. Back again, Dawn?
We're going to have to put your name on the mailbox.
- [laughing] - He's trying to be funny.
- [laughing] Good one. - Well...
- We're going upstairs to study. - I'll let you know when it's dinner.
Could you just leave it outside my door? Thanks.
Nice to see her making friends.
She finally has someone to braid her hair.
Dad, I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth.
OK.
- Am I self-centered? - Yes.
- Seriously? - Yes, you're seriously self-centered.
How is that even possible? I volunteer at soup kitchens.
My car is a bio-diesel. I wanna change the world.
You're so focused on the plight of the polar bear,
you forget everything else: eating, sleeping, other people's feelings.
I can't believe this.
- I'm self-centered. - You're also a teenager.
- Common symptom. - I don't want to be common.
Which is... What's the word? Self-centered.
You have to be different from everyone.
- You have to try and... - OK.
These talks are supposed to make me feel better. Do your job.
It's natural to be curious about what it's like, don't you think?
I think it's just normal teenage experimentation.
- Mm-hm. - [beeping]
[all chanting] Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
[both giggling]
- [all] Aw! - So close.
- [both laughing] - [beeping]
- [laughing]
- Bianca! Stop making me laugh. - Sorry.
You just look really weird up close.
OK, OK. Just close your eyes.
And just imagine all those sandals and purses.
OK.
[beeping]
This makes up for my parents blocking The L Word,
Hot choc... OK!
Dad! It's not what it looks like. We were just filming a web show.
[descending beeping]
But you're the one who said I should be enterprising.
You're the one who wants people to watch every move.
Well, you got your wish.
- But Dad... - But, Bianca,
put something on the lnternet, you never take it back.
- It will live forever. - I got it.
People like college admissions officers, future employers,
your future husband could see this.
Fine. Sexy web show, bad.
Anyone from your friends to our minister to a child predator could be watching.
Are we done?
What exactly do you think those guys are doing while they're watching you?
Oh! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Now, we're done.
Kat, I just got my new set of bridal mags.
Do not come ruin my buzz.
I re-wrote my paper. I was hoping you'd re-read it.
Oh, my God, you're like the Terminator.
Did Ms. Tharp put you up to this? Fine, I'll give you a stupid A.
Just promise me this helps you graduate early.
I don't want you to re-grade it.
I deserved that B-minus. It did lack an emotional component.
I didn't want to tell you you were right. I wanted to show you.
So I wrote about the most mortifying day of my life.
"The Day My Dad Bought Me My First Box of Tampons."
- Ew. - Oh! Kat, I am so proud of you.
As long as it doesn't end with, "And then I became a feminist."
- Mandella, can we talk? - Why don't you write me a note?
Because unlike some people, I'll actually read it.
I was wrong. I should have read your paper.
And so last night, I did.
It made me cry.
- Really? - Yes.
It made me realize how my paper lacked...
Hey. We were talking about me.
Right. Sorry. Old habits.
Anyway, I really felt like I was there with you.
When you described the taste of that cookie you ate
to suppress your humiliation...
...I tasted it.
Shut up.
For real?
- What kind was it? - Oatmeal raisin.
[Dawn] Oh, my gosh. Is he gonna tell my parents?
Everyone's talking about your web show.
Chastity, I'm sorry. It was gross and wrong and we should have...
Asked me to be on it. I'm hurt. I thought we were friends.
We are friends. That's why we're going shopping.
Ooh! No. Not anymore.
I'm going with Mandy and Jonelle. While we're buying shoes,
we're going to commiserate how hurt we were at being excluded.
I wonder how they're making money.
Ooh! I'm on it.
What's on today's episode? Panty flash? Nip-slip?
- Zip it. The show's been cancelled. - Oh, you tease.
Move, I'm trying to get to class.
I can get half the students at Golden Hill to tune in
if you girls go topless.
- Leave her alone! - Cameron?
- Or what? - Or I'll make you sorry.
[all chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
You're about to eat a pain pizza.
- Cameron! - I know what I'm doing.
Pick on somebody your own size!
Cameron, are you OK?
Yeah, I'm... I'm fine!
I would have kicked his ass.
I have a gold belt in the art of tae kwon do.
Luckily, it didn't come to that.
But thanks for trying to defend me, Cameron.
You're the sweetest guy I know.
What?
Who's the one who got the hug, smart guy?
Yours truly.
[# lntercooler: All Coming Back To Me]
That's right.